There are a lot of things to worry about these days, and I promise you, I spend most of my time doing so. In fact, I stew so much about everything going on in the world, that tomorrow you can day a day off from all your most pressing concerns. Hey – take two days. I have it covered. I am the sole proprietor of the world’s number one fretting insurance company. Have you seen my ads on TV?
However, I have found a few seconds to obsess about something completely new, and, though I’m not saying this will overtake the really important stuff (so much important stuff), I have to admit this new issue is getting some air time when it sneaks in. It’s like five gigantic dinosaurs are fighting to the death, and as I watch in terror from a small, somewhat but not completely protected cave within spitting distance of the battle, a little mosquito keeps buzzing in my ear. I have to be sure not to let the massive prehistoric beasts get anywhere near me, but meanwhile, I am constantly swatting at that damn mosquito.
Which is to say, excuses out of the way, here’s the ‘mosquito’:
Men are now encouraged to wear makeup. That’s it. An international fashion magazine has devoted the bulk of their latest issue to the phenomenon of men wearing makeup. Apparently, it’s the new thing, or will be the new thing, or some makeup company spent a lot of money trying to convince the people who care about such topics to make it the new thing. How monumental, how earth changing, how . . . odd. And how utterly distressing.
First, men don’t need makeup. They naturally exfoliate their skin every morning, and somehow that gives them a healthier epidermis than all those women who slather on La Mer twice a day. Men just look better without any help. They (assuming basic grooming) appear, if not dewy, pleasingly natural using soap and water and a razor blade each morning. But women, despite decades of finessing their appearance with an ever-evolving supporting cast of supplements and makeup products, would be terrified to start going au natural day in, day out. (And all hail, by the way, to those women who’ve made that choice and can just be without all the goo. Really.) But can you imagine (once going out is again a full reality) leaving the house without any makeup? Some of us wear more, some less, but few, for a night on the town, or even lunch with girlfriends, let our face be seen completely naked.
But for what? It’s like makeup has been causing problems for women all these years by creating wrinkles, brown spots and sags, saying, “We’re exhausted from carrying all these extra layers of this stuff. If only you’d stuck with soap and water and started shaving, you would have the luminescent skin of your
twin brother.”
I don’t know if that’s necessarily true, but I’m not sure if I’m prepared for men to start looking better. It just doesn’t seem fair. It’s as if a four-year-old, ready to start a twenty- mile race with a ninety-year-old, insists on a ten-minute head start.
Does Ryan Reynolds really need a whisp of mauve eye shadow to make those adorable brown eyes pop? That’s just too much richness for this earth. Could Tom Brady benefit from a little blush? Please. And if what if Dr. Fauci, when delivering his latest pearls of science and wisdom, started sporting the very same brand of MAC lipstick I prefer? God. The competition. As I said, this issue is not foremost in my mind. Perhaps the mosquito will die a natural death, as most annoying insects do. I hope so. (But wouldn’t it be grand if all those battling dinosaurs just withered away and my (our) biggest worry would be what male in our household keeps absconding with our mascara wand?)
I’m not saying I’m ready for the worry or am willing for this to be the next male/female issue. But mosquitos do have a way of showing up, year after year. Meanwhile, I’ll just add it to my collection of potential scenarios I like to call ‘What to worry about next’. Don’t worry – I have a policy of never reducing the hundreds of items on my list.
And if you’re interested in acquiring my very reasonable fretting insurance policy, feel free to contact me at www.letmeworryforyouidoitanyway.com.
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